CONJURATION

giono expo14I am not afraid of you

I have waited on the bare island of no dream for so long, expecting the golden fruit to turn into diamond and start to sing when exposed to the perfect light. The one that glow during the last day of the fall, just before the nights are longer than the days.

I have waited for the raven of the east forest to join me and curve his neck under the palm of my hand to find warmth and care but refusing love and tenderness.

I have waited for the wolf of the north to give me his eyes for my future journey into darkness after his fang will stab me deep in the neck.

I have waited for the snake of infinity to feed me his never ending perfection through poison and fever while screaming your name.

I have refused to rest and forget, but I forgave you a million times over.

I have made my skin like an armor and my bones like swords to battle for you and give you all these forgotten treasures you are ignoring blindly.

I have soothe the beast at the gate of your pain so it won’t trap it into your heart because suffering needs to run free like a demented child until it is too tired to go on.

And finally, I have honored your cruelty and praise your rejection, I have swallowed the insults and the anger, concentrating on your pain.

I am not afraid of you “La bête” …because all you see in me that you reject so violently is in this distorted mirror you and only you are facing.

60 thoughts on “CONJURATION

  1. La Bête is supposedly my original family surname, is this a declaration of war? Joking. I’m actually getting to know this side of my family better and this sort of mirrors this poem. Cool photo too.

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    • If I was La Belle maybe…:)
      I always liked the dark side. I see it in your blog. Now that my eyes are fading the shadows are even more heavy of sensuality but
      I know now that what my grandfather used to say is right
      Mysteries when they are smart always hide in the light.

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      • I love synchronicity (unrelated meaningful coincidences) when it happens. That was a big one and it definitely made my day. To list some, I’m sorting through family lineage piecing together my history with my recently deceased father, the enemy is this side of the lineage which, oddly enough, is La Bête. Normandy/Viking. This lineage is both external but will survive internally, I’ll carry that darkness with me in the way this is worded. Plus, symbolically, it’s my own raven. Then, more with the photo.. I’ve been doing the symmetry images myself as a way to creatively move focus to keep sanity and some remind me of a shrine, others a crest. The crest, the beast. Even in that, the symmetry looks like a tomb.
        Relatable and symbolic in a synchronicity, thoroughly enjoyed.

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      • Oh, and the branches. What interested me with the broken branches is neuron pruning and winter trees doing a similar thing. You could say the pile is of memories no longer necessary to move forward. Part of the symbolism I found in my own which is present in the photo also. 🙂

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      • PS: thank you for pointing out the beauty and the beast motif, I missed that completely. A woman’s transformation through the bondage of the animus.

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      • You also just reminded me of the infamous Jung quote. “No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell”. Unification of opposites, light is darkness, darkness is light. Nothing exists without its opposite.
        Everything is a paradox.

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      • A friend of mine is an art therapist and looked at some of the photos I was tinkling with. She said “it looks like serial killer art”. I laughed, “then, that means it’s interesting.” I knew why, it wasn’t an insult. The pattern is there. But I joked that it depends on the person viewing it. It’s a still frame. Some, you could say is decomposition but you can also say something is being composed. Even the color tones, it’s up to the viewer to decide what it means to them.
        I’m also trying to sort out the paradox of me having a blog, it IS one.

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      • I feel I am always new to the blogging world. It is still a mystery to me where I do not feel entirely comfortable. It is a difficult balance between reaching and letting be touched. The all danger is to not feel overwhelmed I suppose.

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      • I question, by letting an emotional aspect of myself exist in this digital world, if I’m actually allowing it to be more repressed in my real life.
        Plus, I am a very private person and this is extremely awkward for me. It’s both, natural and not. Paradox. But my goal is to find a way to allow my entire emotional dynamic be part of my everyday life, making my life a work of art itself and not have it sectioned off this way. Plus. Much of blogging is social and I’m not a very social person.

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      • I like that our pages are very alike and also completely different. I had to remind myself that during this mini chat; perspectives are alike so I don’t need to explain it so much. I’m used to having to be defensive about it. Figured I would state that since I did it here. 😉

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      • To go backwards; I think the appeal of dark thoughts and it’s sensual nature is because it’s somewhat forbidden. To go back to Clive Barker (I’m not a superfan, he just says insightful things): when asked what he was afraid of, he said banality. You’ll hear that a lot. Boredom is the death of the soul. Darkness makes us feel alive. The 50 shades popularity isn’t shocking when you really look at it. Stale marriage wives seem to make up the audience and bdsm is about extreme emotional bonding. Well, when it’s done in a healthy way. I would assume everyone has dark hidden fantasies. Those who don’t, I would be concerned. I know, for me, I’ve never found day to day life that interesting or engaging. There’s a lot of darker thoughts and emotions that come from that but I always find a light in it. I don’t think it’s for everyone, just a few people. I definitely view life as being a soul trapped in a material body even though I lean atheist in terms of death.

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      • You are a fascinating character. It might be not very strange to see that we share many tastes and thoughts but that is not very good for you as I see myself not that original but more “beside the point” or beside life itself.
        I didn’t read 50 shades, it doesn’t appeal to me, it is not a side of darkness but a vision of society I feel uncomfortable with.

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      • Same with me, it seems to appeal to the conservative crowd which is what seems strange to some but it really isn’t. The conservatives love the Ayn Rand model of a man and that’s what it is. Rags to riches billionaire that is controlling, yet, needs saved by the innocent naive woman. It’s also still the standard “chick flick” pretty woman model. That’s more my issue with it than masochism. Everyone is masochistic in their own ways.
        We are all just collections of life experiences and tastes. Nothing is that original but about trying to make it your own and not caring. For example, I’ll site references to thoughts even though they’re my own and the visual is nothing more than merging Giger with Dave McKean in my own way. I just try to not think about it.
        The darkness in 50 Shades is what I mentioned and the bondage with a poorly developed animus (a capitalist sociopath) wishing, to no end wishing, he could love you. It’s a dark refection of our capitalist systems and how we are slaves to our own values. No, it’s not anything I want to read/watch either.
        But, I have also noticed by skimming (I can’t skim much because I use mobile exclusively right now) that you said somewhere that women are not respected. Very true, we live in a false patriarch. And it’s an illusion. A lot of people don’t see it. Men will go to any length they can to possess a woman or women, that’s a powerful motivation to do anything. You don’t try to control someone unless you’re afraid of them. Today, Jezebel has shifted into a powerful feminist archetype (and well deserving). I’d assume this is what you’d be uncomfortable with. Rightfully so. It appeals a lot to women who were raised to worship this concept and to be part of it. To be women in society they have to be men, the irony is, they desire the bondage sexually to release feeling they need to control everything.

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      • The only reason I know those things is from the previously mentioned art therapist. She used to run a village that housed/rehabilitated/helped schizophrenics and meditated treatment with their families in San Francisco. They were likely to engage in bdsm and had to learn about it to not engage in self destructive types. Because they’re so vulnerable, many were used in child sex trafficking by their parents or a family member. Because I didn’t understand it myself, she sent me books on the subject and it’s really a spectrum we all have. We only notice it when it’s in an extreme. When it’s in “the middle”, it’s just considered an emotional complex and a social dynamic. It’s very interesting.
        I love psychology and that implies a bit of a sadist tendency. I’m also very passive which can be self abusive in ways, martyr complex. It’s not in a realm of extreme though, just simple complexes.
        Even with psychology, I only have patience for “darkness” if it’s transformative. Self exploration. If it’s darkness for the sake of darkness, I dislike it. I think that goes with what you said about what your grandfather said.

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      • On that note, I wish I had writing or poetry to accompany those, as you do, which can explain them. Something intended but I may not do it. Some ARE death, some are rebirth. Some are symbols of goddess fertilizing their kingdom and caring by ” pollination” to rebuild. They’re also “psyche” images. Maybe someday…

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      • PS Pt 2: this is part of why nine inch nails songs tend to go with everything. His albums actually follow a Buddha path we continuously go through. Hero’s/heroines journey of transformation. We what everything to be light which causes us pain and then we seek out pain to give us pleasure and we keep on going. But we gain knowledge every time we take this journey, yet, most of us are afraid to take it. Above all, we are often most afraid of ourselves. Self knowledge is not something rewarded in our world. I like to use my blog space for this.
        That’s the name oviate, it’s the Jungian shadow archetype (the part of ourselves condemned by “god”).

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      • Well, maybe but not really. It’s actually big news here with that dress. (I’m sure it’s getting covered in Australia) your emotions dictate how the brain perceives reality, so people are learning the brain can cause illusions like a dress appearing as different colors. I only think the doom scenario exists in that few are really paying attention to what that means. That’s weird to me because I noticed it in 1982 when I was maybe 5 years old. In fairness, I also didn’t start flipping the mirror around on myself until I was in my mid/late 20’s. Even though I tend to be good analyzing others, I am just as bad since I can do the exact same thing. I’m being annoyingly preachy but it’s just because it’s nice the subject isn’t irritating you. It irritates most people.

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    • This is the most touching comment I had. Because it relates to a trade and my adoration for tradesmen and their skills. The way they work always makes me breathe faster and deeper. Association of words and smith is the best compliment ever. Thank you so so much!

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